Linear jumping from star to star appears basic, childlike, connect-the-dots. There is growth there, change, development...but no surprises.
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Blinking from the ground beneath me to a black hole of exquisite color is simply singular.
My primitive self wants to wrap her arms around this thought and squeeze out predictions of the future. But, that's how I know that this is transformation, there is no future to get to.
Weeks ago, I woke up. Layers peeled back, exposed. And, instead of running to cover myself, I stepped outside.
Our shadow is constant, mine called fear. Rising from this state each day meant sculpting who I was, and never knowing a self existed. Chamelioning is built into my identity and I'm currently doing violence to it which, either way, leaves me bruised.
Now that I'm laying fear to rest, I am choosing my existence and discovering who I am. Inside this discovery is a clearing of space, openness that is brilliant.
I have created an intensity and love here that extends beyond normal bounds...and inside that is where my external world gets really interesting.
Because Andrew is uncomfortable, and understandably so, we have reoriented our relationship to a live-in-best-friend status so that I can explore and he can live without pressure.
What I'm currently exploring & creating are loveships with multiple people and concepts. To be exact, five: myself, Andrew, JJ, KT, and JJ/KT as a couple. There is much to say about each person, as each one is extraordinary...so my mind gets stopped on where to even begin...I'm exhausted thinking about it.
In the words of Snow Patrol:
"This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home
With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25"
Right now I am not interested in verbal definitions of my orientation.
All I am sure of, is that I am love.
That is the possibility that exists in my life now.
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They're on, they're buttoned, and I'm not sucking in.
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Yippeee. Today I tried on a pair of jeans that I could wear right before I moved to California (1.6 years ago) and they finally fit again.
Over the first 5-6 months that I lived here, I put on about 15-20lbs without realizing it. I had been a constant weight for so long that I naively didn't think it would change much ever again. I moved, drove around too much, indulged in icecream with Andrew, and switched birth control pills...the inches slowly crept on. In October of last year, I realized that I had gained weight when nothing fit in my usual size at Express, bummer. Oh yes, and there was the time Andrew and I went to Costco and I jumped on one of their scales in disbelief...that was not fun. And yes, the jeans never lie...there was a time when I couldn't get them over my thighs.
I've been really embarrassed about my weight gain (hence not talking to really anyone about it), especially living in Southern Cal where everyone (including moms who have supposedly passed children through their bodies) appears to be anorexic. I've never been a twig, but before I moved I was at a really good weight for myself and felt awesome. I am finally getting back there again.
Here's what I've done:
Last November/December: Changed to a more progesterone based pill. After I did this I stopped gaining weight but it wasn't coming off either.
February/March: Joined a boxing club. I've been doing this for about 6 months. Definitely have more muscle now. However I hadn't lost much weight from this because I was eating poorly for my body.
Started Atkins 3 weeks ago. This is when it started falling off and my energy has shot up. So far I'm down about 10lbs and I'd like to go another 10lbs. It's really nice to see people, that I haven't seen in a couple of weeks, and they tell me that I've lost weight. Hearing it from Andrew is one thing, but hearing it from people who don't know that I'm changing my habits is another. Definitely an ego boost :)
Ahh, I sit comfortably at my computer in my old jeans...happy me :)
|Subject:||All swept up|
(cross posted in neurogirl since I think it is that important)
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It has been less than 24 hours since I returned from the IAC’s Fusion weekend and I’ve been feeling thoughts and emotions stewing since.
It was really amazing to meet so many interesting and multi-faceted people. They were all so warm and caring as well. There wasn’t a single person that I was nervous talking to or intimidated by, it felt really good to not be afraid.
Sometimes I think that I spent so long trying to fit into a group’s mold that I ended up becoming overwhelmed and confused. But at Fusion I was truly more me than I normally see in intellectual-social gatherings. I will admit that the first few hours I was nervous, even bit off a nail (I completely extinguished this habit five months ago). However, I was put well at ease once I heard others passionately engaging in topics that I not only found interesting but could contribute too as well. Overall it felt amazingly invigorating to be part of a network where I was a link and not just an outside observer.
Furthermore, I really felt like I was falling-in-love with the group giving me a more developed self-love. I say falling-in-love because I really sensed growth within myself that has only come from falling before. I can hardly wait until next year when I get to return to my new family and bond with them once again.
Writing all of this feels really good, as one of my goals was to write more and this is a step in that direction. Another goal that I kept privet was heightening my emotional awareness and output to others. I was welcome to talk a lot about my personality type (infj and enneagram type 1 wing 9), which helped me to verbally understand myself on a more thoughtful level. On an output level, I was able to connect with people quickly, give thoughtful feedback, and later express more emotion about what I saw in them than I ever have with new faces.
My place in the world feels more secure and what's more, I know where those people are who help me to feel this way when I need them.
I heart Fusion,
I feel the need to write really bad right now. Calling, screaming...get in touch with you dammit! Today I have a few hours alone at home...I spent a few of it sleeping and now I'm here faced with my own letters. I feel no need to link my paragraphs together, let's see what happens.
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Makeup. Yesterday I had the day off and I spent mucho time blow drying my hair, wearing pretty clothes (most days I look nice...but come on I work with kids...I'm not about to wear my best stuff), and applying makeup. I forgot how good it feels to take the time to preen myself. There is something about looking at my self in the mirror for extended amounts of time that feels really good...I actually have time to appreciate and accentuate my features instead of taking a quick look and thinking "ugh, xyz could be better."
I'm become mildly obsessed with looks here...I find it intimidating to see all these gorgeous people around here. And yes, I'm totally serious, try living somewhere where people are trying to be models and actresses...it's tough, you walk down the street having only brushed your hair and you think "ugh" since most other 20 somethings just look damn good. And the fashion here drives me crazy, everything is tight and exposed and that's just not me...yet I desire to fit in but to feel comfortable doing so I'd have to change my appearance.
Again, I pretty much like my body...but when I have to compete with blonde bomb shell barbies it makes me want to scream.
Mom. So my mom is at it again...dating guys. I called her house yesterday and her live in boyfriend of 17 years (he still lives there and they are figuring things out) told me how he was depressed about them probably breaking up and was worried that me or my sister would never see him again. I feel really bad for him, he put in 17 years of his life helping to raise me and Jackie...and now that we're not there he's getting put out too. I assured him that I would keep in touch no matter what...funny, for many years I *hated* him (somewhat like how the girl in Thirteen hated her mom's boyfriend) with firey passion...and now I can even hug him and say "i love you." My dad and I don't even exchange those words.
Plus, she bitched about the price of an airplane ticket to ohio so she could see my sister...yet I got an email a few days ago announcing that she got her tatoo redone. I think she needs a new prefrontal lobe (*slaps* neurogirl) to help her prioritize.
Andrew. 4 months of living together has gone really well! No real fights or anything like that, it's a good thing. Near the end of each month I initiate a "talk" about how we are doing. I used to avoid talking about any issues like the plague...now I'm comfortable to bring up just about anything so that I can monitor how we are doing and/or fix things before they become an issue. So, we had our talk last night and I caught myself acting needy (hug me, hug me, hug me me me me me), so I asked him if I was needy. He of course said yes. I then asked if it was annoying and he told me that it was actually nice at times, like when he's in the mood to be affectionate and other times it's just not appropriate, like when he's involved in something else. So, I got to thinking if I was needy before because I think I understand my neediness now (will explain shortly). I don't think I was...but maybe I was...I tended to be able to give my bfs space, I didn't have to talk to them every day (hell, one I think I talked to about 3 times on the phone...and we dated for 3 or 4 months). The only thing I can think of that may have been annoying, which I thought was cute at the time (since I would have loved it if someone had done it for me), was dropping by unexpectedly to visit. So anyway, back on point, I'm needy with Andrew because I'm scared. Scared that he'll feel neglected by me at some point and leave me (do I think that this *should* be a real fear...no...but I can't help but think about it since I'm a worry wart). I thought about how I'd feel if we broke up last night (strangely I like to check in with negative feelings to see if I feel them) and I cried, he *is* San Diego to me...and that's just it. I've made new friends here yet still feel very alone. Maybe if I tried to connect more with people here I wouldn't feel so alone hence the neediness decreasing...or maybe I just like smothering Andrew with affection and that's the way I am :)
I'm a hardcore romantic idealist too...which scares the pants off me. I'm always expecting my bf to be prince charming. As time has gone by I've learned that life is not a fairy tale and I can't expect men to constantly be prince charming. Even my mother said that we are disillusioning little girls to believe that they will be swept away by the man of their dreams to live happily every after...funny I don't remember her teaching me any differently. I think I've gotten over that no man will be prince charming 100% of the time. Here's the irony though, in the past when bfs have been real jerks, I won't break up with them. I've never broken up with anyone since I think that most anything can be worked on or through. I think a break up might be a romantic idealists nightmare...it's definitely mine. So, I also know that if Andrew and I were to break up...that he'd be the one to do it, which means I'm always checking in with him. Again, I do not forsee anything happening in the near future...but I like to give myself reality checks.
Today I got in one of those funks where I didn't know what I wanted/needed. I hate that, it's super annoying. Andrew suggested that maybe I needed some alone time at the apartment, which I think he was correct about...but again I didn't really know if that's what I wanted or not. So, he proceeded to get ready to go out and I blamed him for wanting to go out when he already gets lots of time to himself during the week...wow am I stupid. I'm very good at using NLP (neuro linguistic program) for good things...but I'm also very good at spinning things in a poor light when I'm feeling confused or just plain bad. I really need to curb that, it really sucks since what I say isn't meaningful...even I know it's not true, so the manipulation doesn't even work in the slightest :P I just end up sounding ridiculous.
Funny. I got called a "mom" the other day...ewwwww! I'm not mommy, don't I still look really young??? I got to interact with a very irrational male lawyer last week...I'm so glad that I didn't work for him (tutoring) and get stiffed for $500 (a fella tutor worked for him last week, and never came home to pay her). I got called mean by a 6 year old (she was mad cause I was right about an issue). Doing "kid speak" (elongating words) with adults by mistake. Did you know I could draw Sponge Bob? I drew him last week as a prize for a student...I forgot that I am damn good at copying cartoon characters...I should really use them on my worksheets.
That's it, no more zaniness, I hope you enjoy.
The feeling to write has finally hit. I'm listening to the sound of the water filling the bath tub as Andrew soaks this morning.
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( My New HomeCollapse )
This morning was the first time that I felt it. I woke up and felt a rumbling in my stomach, the type I get when I'm nervous about something...the trip cross country is really starting.
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( RealizationsCollapse )
Just a quick moment of cuteness...
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So, for Mother's Day I'm making my mom a photo album (spanning from my birth up to now...even with some california pictures in it!). While going through numerous pictures I found my new LJ one!
Am I cute or what?! For some reason I am reminded of Cindy Loo Hoo, from the Grinch who stole Christmas, every time I look at that picture.
For the evening I've had a headache. I've tried sleeping but can't...and when I close my eyes I keep thinking about my mom. *sniffles* I keep picturing the tears welling up in her eyes in the restaurant when I told her "late May" I'm leaving in late May. She expected my departure...but not until August. I hate to see her sad, I hate it. Growing up, my mother and I played reverse roles...and I still feel the pain of it today. And I keep going over in my head that once I'm out there I won't be able to help her like before. I feel like I'm leaving my mother to fend for herself and I'm afraid of what could happen without my influence and presence.
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I know that I want to do this, I know that I will be happy with Andrew, but I worry about missing them too much. I feel torn right now, I'm getting very excited to go but I'm also feeling scared...I'm afraid of rocking gently in my new home and thinking "I want my mommy" and not being able to have her right away. Thank god for phone, internet, and Southwest.
I know that I will see them, on visits...it's just so different. I try to think about how in college I didn't see them a ton and it was ok, but knowing they were around the corner was a huge relief.
And tonight I feel alone, alone in my apartment, no one here with me to help dry the tears from my face, just facing my thoughts alone. Feeling closer to San Diego and further away from my present reality.
I think I can sleep now.
Lately I've been thinking about where my personality types may be headed, I'm feeling shifts and I can't quite place them yet so I did a little research. One thing that moved me to do some more Myers Briggs soul searching was that Smileycynic emailed me a great question about the nature of my happiness and being a perceived INTP. My first thought was, "well maybe I'm not an INTP." So I've investigated a bit and have found that I think I'm fitting the INFJ mode right now.
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My INFJ percentile preferences were not that strong (33, 11, 11, 33) so I read about the various types as well. After consuming data on competing types I've concluded that INFJ suits me most right now, especially when I also think that this type agrees with my enneagram One type to some extent.
( INTJ --> INTP --> INFJCollapse )
I finally did it! Soutwest had a sale offer that opened up this morning, so I immediately bought my ticket! My chosen date to fly out is Saturday, May 31...I'm get excited, it's only a few weeks away!
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( Family GatheringsCollapse )
I have a new favorite band to obsess over now, ColdPlay. The words and chords resonate with me immensely. I feel like I'm obsessed, I can't stop listening. It makes me miss my green eyes even more, I'm sad and lonely...but not for long.
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( PreparationCollapse )
From an earlier post:
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~As far as ability, I'm not always able to when given the opportunity, in person, in the moment. It's only in retrospect that I think to myself and understand how I should have said something to make it clearer.~
This resonates with me very much. Often I find disappointment in the fact that I did not say enough, only after the conversation has ended. Lately though, I've been more "impulsive" and saying whatever I am directly thinking in the moment. This seems to help my relationships grow, as I open up more and feel listened to on more difficult topics.
Often though, like yourself, I want people to read between the lines and make a non verbal connection with me. It's more personal because the connection is more discrete. I like to think that a person also analyses what I am not concrete about...and with those thoughts comes more personal and intense questioning.
~I often rely on the words of others expressing themselves when I find they represent me better than I've been able to articulate by that point in time.~
I think the best part of connecting with others is that you do get multiple perspectives to focus on. Eureka moments flash before you when new language is brought to the surface.
Showing resonance is a deeper way of understanding/connecting. Sometimes showing resonance is difficult because a person may be in a place where they are resistant to anyone who shares with them...they want to be alone. In my experience showing resonance has meant almost exagerating a claim, and placing emotional depth on the situation. We connect because we feel...maybe showing feeling/emotion is what makes showing resonance so hard, because we have to open ourselves up to deeper lines of shared connections and vunerability.
Perfectly said by choiceful:
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"Gottman makes a big point about how empathy and support are more important to a healthy marriage than agreement and accuracy. Among other things, he advocates spending time with your partner, just listening to each other and giving support while suspending judgement.
It just dawned on me that this may be the most popular reason why people journal. They want to feel that there are benevolent people out there who value both them and what they have to say. Confirmation of this is not always necessary, but can be nice when someone posts a respectful, and especially an accurate, encouraging, and respectful response. Accurate, encouraging, respectful, and informative is the bomb :) Those whom do not get confirmation might daydream along the lines of having their journals some day discovered and renowned in a manner like the works of Jane Austen.
I am discovering that livejournal is most definitely a community. Many communities. And most are incredibly friendly. In this day and age of growing isolation, a new form of comfort is evolving."
You are all my benevolent lovelies!
Through reading others' posts I have come to think about remembering. Hard things. I love my parents so much that I don't want to attempt to ruin that by harnessing my past, digging at an old grave. *sigh* I feel cluttered in thought, mind's racing...maybe for a reason so that I can't grab hold of anything tangible, so that I cannot examine a past reality. Some would say that it's good, that I shouldn't do it, just go on, live. I'm left wondering though that maybe I would live better with knowledge, maybe I could change some of my being by petting her. And I feel like I'm not making sense and that hurts, as much as I want this all to be for me, I want you to understand it...and how could you if I'm not clear and clean.
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In some ways I'm frustrated by my lack of awareness, building my own cloud to float away on. Other times I find it beautiful that I can create what it good for me without external forces.
Sometimes I feel alien. Like I'm talking in my own made up language and I can't translate it into English. Little bursts of phrases, links that do not go together, pictures in my head that I cannot describe. But it's my internal language, I just want to get it out so that I can touch it more...feel my words.
This post is making me tense, my right shoulder raises up to my neck and I hold my breath, caving into my center. I'm definitely becoming more aware of my body and how I can feel whole, instead of as segmented limbs. Maybe integration is the key, feeling the whole of my being instead of segmented parts, as one mind and body.
Maybe I would just feel better if they both would say, "I'm sorry." Get out a good cry and thoughts, let us acknowledge the history and start again...new fresh, open, ready to open. I fear that I will have to go on discovery without them, only memory to guide me...guide me, guide me. Penetrating words, phrases, thoughts/feelings has been a favorite thing of mine to do...it just feels really good, even feels good to say it. I like to linger and examine my present time, *slight smile* yes linger.
I was born to two horrible liars. Since the day I was born my mother has always lied to protect my feelings, and my father has lied...well on just about anything, especially about finances/lifestyle. And of course now they always point fingers at the other one saying what a huge liar they are...leaving me in the middle with my mouth zipped. They of course are amazing hypocrites always preaching the importance of honesty (if they were just liars, that wouldn't be so bad...I hate hypocrites). The personality style that I have fostered has taken honesty to the extreme, as I am probably the most honest person I know. I do tell lies every now and again (mainly white ones) to make life a bit easier, but none of those things will come back to haunt me.
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Currently, my parents are going to court because of child support issues. It looks as though I might be asked to go in to make a statement or to write one. My father has been making a convincing argument to me that my mother has rarely used the child support money on me (she uses it more on my sister, because her hand is out, although not much of it that we can tell), especially in the last few years, and that in the process I have gotten screwed while her boyfriend gets to buy new motorcycles...blah. I really don't want to get in the middle of this because I feel that both of them are in the wrong, and I would basically be asked to go in through one side or the other (as far as I can tell).
Other then that, Happy Valentine's Day!