Lynne

My True Singularity

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 09:00:58 GMT

Linear jumping from star to star appears basic, childlike, connect-the-dots. There is growth there, change, development...but no surprises.

Blinking from the ground beneath me to a black hole of exquisite color is simply singular.

My primitive self wants to wrap her arms around this thought and squeeze out predictions of the future. But, that's how I know that this is transformation, there is no future to get to.

Weeks ago, I woke up. Layers peeled back, exposed. And, instead of running to cover myself, I stepped outside.

Our shadow is constant, mine called fear. Rising from this state each day meant sculpting who I was, and never knowing a self existed. Chamelioning is built into my identity and I'm currently doing violence to it which, either way, leaves me bruised.

Now that I'm laying fear to rest, I am choosing my existence and discovering who I am. Inside this discovery is a clearing of space, openness that is brilliant.

I have created an intensity and love here that extends beyond normal bounds...and inside that is where my external world gets really interesting.

Because Andrew is uncomfortable, and understandably so, we have reoriented our relationship to a live-in-best-friend status so that I can explore and he can live without pressure.

What I'm currently exploring & creating are loveships with multiple people and concepts. To be exact, five: myself, Andrew, JJ, KT, and JJ/KT as a couple. There is much to say about each person, as each one is extraordinary...so my mind gets stopped on where to even begin...I'm exhausted thinking about it.

In the words of Snow Patrol:

"This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25"

Right now I am not interested in verbal definitions of my orientation.

All I am sure of, is that I am love.

Into the dark, light appears.

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 19:50:28 GMT

That is the possibility that exists in my life now.

More later...

If the Jeans Fit, Wear 'Em

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 15:53:59 GMT

They're on, they're buttoned, and I'm not sucking in.

Yippeee. Today I tried on a pair of jeans that I could wear right before I moved to California (1.6 years ago) and they finally fit again.

Over the first 5-6 months that I lived here, I put on about 15-20lbs without realizing it. I had been a constant weight for so long that I naively didn't think it would change much ever again. I moved, drove around too much, indulged in icecream with Andrew, and switched birth control pills...the inches slowly crept on. In October of last year, I realized that I had gained weight when nothing fit in my usual size at Express, bummer. Oh yes, and there was the time Andrew and I went to Costco and I jumped on one of their scales in disbelief...that was not fun. And yes, the jeans never lie...there was a time when I couldn't get them over my thighs.

I've been really embarrassed about my weight gain (hence not talking to really anyone about it), especially living in Southern Cal where everyone (including moms who have supposedly passed children through their bodies) appears to be anorexic. I've never been a twig, but before I moved I was at a really good weight for myself and felt awesome. I am finally getting back there again.

Here's what I've done:

Last November/December: Changed to a more progesterone based pill. After I did this I stopped gaining weight but it wasn't coming off either.

February/March: Joined a boxing club. I've been doing this for about 6 months. Definitely have more muscle now. However I hadn't lost much weight from this because I was eating poorly for my body.

Started Atkins 3 weeks ago. This is when it started falling off and my energy has shot up. So far I'm down about 10lbs and I'd like to go another 10lbs. It's really nice to see people, that I haven't seen in a couple of weeks, and they tell me that I've lost weight. Hearing it from Andrew is one thing, but hearing it from people who don't know that I'm changing my habits is another. Definitely an ego boost :)

Ahh, I sit comfortably at my computer in my old jeans...happy me :)

All swept up

Tue, 25 May 2004 05:22:38 GMT

(cross posted in neurogirl since I think it is that important)

It has been less than 24 hours since I returned from the IAC’s Fusion weekend and I’ve been feeling thoughts and emotions stewing since.

It was really amazing to meet so many interesting and multi-faceted people. They were all so warm and caring as well. There wasn’t a single person that I was nervous talking to or intimidated by, it felt really good to not be afraid.

Sometimes I think that I spent so long trying to fit into a group’s mold that I ended up becoming overwhelmed and confused. But at Fusion I was truly more me than I normally see in intellectual-social gatherings. I will admit that the first few hours I was nervous, even bit off a nail (I completely extinguished this habit five months ago). However, I was put well at ease once I heard others passionately engaging in topics that I not only found interesting but could contribute too as well. Overall it felt amazingly invigorating to be part of a network where I was a link and not just an outside observer.

Furthermore, I really felt like I was falling-in-love with the group giving me a more developed self-love. I say falling-in-love because I really sensed growth within myself that has only come from falling before. I can hardly wait until next year when I get to return to my new family and bond with them once again.

Writing all of this feels really good, as one of my goals was to write more and this is a step in that direction. Another goal that I kept privet was heightening my emotional awareness and output to others. I was welcome to talk a lot about my personality type (infj and enneagram type 1 wing 9), which helped me to verbally understand myself on a more thoughtful level. On an output level, I was able to connect with people quickly, give thoughtful feedback, and later express more emotion about what I saw in them than I ever have with new faces.

My place in the world feels more secure and what's more, I know where those people are who help me to feel this way when I need them.

I heart Fusion,

Danielle

Long time no see

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 01:35:12 GMT

I feel the need to write really bad right now. Calling, screaming...get in touch with you dammit! Today I have a few hours alone at home...I spent a few of it sleeping and now I'm here faced with my own letters. I feel no need to link my paragraphs together, let's see what happens.

Makeup. Yesterday I had the day off and I spent mucho time blow drying my hair, wearing pretty clothes (most days I look nice...but come on I work with kids...I'm not about to wear my best stuff), and applying makeup. I forgot how good it feels to take the time to preen myself. There is something about looking at my self in the mirror for extended amounts of time that feels really good...I actually have time to appreciate and accentuate my features instead of taking a quick look and thinking "ugh, xyz could be better."

I'm become mildly obsessed with looks here...I find it intimidating to see all these gorgeous people around here. And yes, I'm totally serious, try living somewhere where people are trying to be models and actresses...it's tough, you walk down the street having only brushed your hair and you think "ugh" since most other 20 somethings just look damn good. And the fashion here drives me crazy, everything is tight and exposed and that's just not me...yet I desire to fit in but to feel comfortable doing so I'd have to change my appearance.

Again, I pretty much like my body...but when I have to compete with blonde bomb shell barbies it makes me want to scream.

Mom. So my mom is at it again...dating guys. I called her house yesterday and her live in boyfriend of 17 years (he still lives there and they are figuring things out) told me how he was depressed about them probably breaking up and was worried that me or my sister would never see him again. I feel really bad for him, he put in 17 years of his life helping to raise me and Jackie...and now that we're not there he's getting put out too. I assured him that I would keep in touch no matter what...funny, for many years I *hated* him (somewhat like how the girl in Thirteen hated her mom's boyfriend) with firey passion...and now I can even hug him and say "i love you." My dad and I don't even exchange those words.

Plus, she bitched about the price of an airplane ticket to ohio so she could see my sister...yet I got an email a few days ago announcing that she got her tatoo redone. I think she needs a new prefrontal lobe (*slaps* neurogirl) to help her prioritize.

Andrew. 4 months of living together has gone really well! No real fights or anything like that, it's a good thing. Near the end of each month I initiate a "talk" about how we are doing. I used to avoid talking about any issues like the plague...now I'm comfortable to bring up just about anything so that I can monitor how we are doing and/or fix things before they become an issue. So, we had our talk last night and I caught myself acting needy (hug me, hug me, hug me me me me me), so I asked him if I was needy. He of course said yes. I then asked if it was annoying and he told me that it was actually nice at times, like when he's in the mood to be affectionate and other times it's just not appropriate, like when he's involved in something else. So, I got to thinking if I was needy before because I think I understand my neediness now (will explain shortly). I don't think I was...but maybe I was...I tended to be able to give my bfs space, I didn't have to talk to them every day (hell, one I think I talked to about 3 times on the phone...and we dated for 3 or 4 months). The only thing I can think of that may have been annoying, which I thought was cute at the time (since I would have loved it if someone had done it for me), was dropping by unexpectedly to visit. So anyway, back on point, I'm needy with Andrew because I'm scared. Scared that he'll feel neglected by me at some point and leave me (do I think that this *should* be a real fear...no...but I can't help but think about it since I'm a worry wart). I thought about how I'd feel if we broke up last night (strangely I like to check in with negative feelings to see if I feel them) and I cried, he *is* San Diego to me...and that's just it. I've made new friends here yet still feel very alone. Maybe if I tried to connect more with people here I wouldn't feel so alone hence the neediness decreasing...or maybe I just like smothering Andrew with affection and that's the way I am :)

I'm a hardcore romantic idealist too...which scares the pants off me. I'm always expecting my bf to be prince charming. As time has gone by I've learned that life is not a fairy tale and I can't expect men to constantly be prince charming. Even my mother said that we are disillusioning little girls to believe that they will be swept away by the man of their dreams to live happily every after...funny I don't remember her teaching me any differently. I think I've gotten over that no man will be prince charming 100% of the time. Here's the irony though, in the past when bfs have been real jerks, I won't break up with them. I've never broken up with anyone since I think that most anything can be worked on or through. I think a break up might be a romantic idealists nightmare...it's definitely mine. So, I also know that if Andrew and I were to break up...that he'd be the one to do it, which means I'm always checking in with him. Again, I do not forsee anything happening in the near future...but I like to give myself reality checks.

Today I got in one of those funks where I didn't know what I wanted/needed. I hate that, it's super annoying. Andrew suggested that maybe I needed some alone time at the apartment, which I think he was correct about...but again I didn't really know if that's what I wanted or not. So, he proceeded to get ready to go out and I blamed him for wanting to go out when he already gets lots of time to himself during the week...wow am I stupid. I'm very good at using NLP (neuro linguistic program) for good things...but I'm also very good at spinning things in a poor light when I'm feeling confused or just plain bad. I really need to curb that, it really sucks since what I say isn't meaningful...even I know it's not true, so the manipulation doesn't even work in the slightest :P I just end up sounding ridiculous.

Funny. I got called a "mom" the other day...ewwwww! I'm not mommy, don't I still look really young??? I got to interact with a very irrational male lawyer last week...I'm so glad that I didn't work for him (tutoring) and get stiffed for $500 (a fella tutor worked for him last week, and never came home to pay her). I got called mean by a 6 year old (she was mad cause I was right about an issue). Doing "kid speak" (elongating words) with adults by mistake. Did you know I could draw Sponge Bob? I drew him last week as a prize for a student...I forgot that I am damn good at copying cartoon characters...I should really use them on my worksheets.

That's it, no more zaniness, I hope you enjoy.

Are You Your Neocortex?

Fri, 04 Jul 2003 02:26:04 GMT

Crossposted from my sassy side kick, neurogirl!

Bean Bag Chronicles

Mon, 09 Jun 2003 15:25:48 GMT

The feeling to write has finally hit. I'm listening to the sound of the water filling the bath tub as Andrew soaks this morning.

So far everything has been good. I've enjoyed coming to the realization that I am living here through both happiness and tears.

I'm still in the process of making this apartment my home. I remember long ago when my father moved in with his third wife...I told him that if we moved in with her that we would not have a home, it would be her rules, her way of life, uncomfortable...and of course he told me that I was wrong and that we'd make house rules together...and I was right. So slowly I've introduced my things into the apartment like a picture in the bathroom and the plants that I've put on the patio/porch. My mom is sending me some of my more fragile pictures and wall hangings...those will look nice. And yes, I'll have some pictures soon...just not yet until I'm totally settled.

So one thing that is very different about being here (or in any new place for that matter) is that I feel very dependent on Andrew. I don't yet have a car, and I'm not comfortable driving his (tried the other day...failure ensued), so generally when I want to go places we have to coordinate (which isn't hard at all but I'm used to doing things myself) or I ask a lot of questions about where I'm going on foot. And that's another thing, I had mental collapse yesterday after not being able to break free of the apartment complex. There are these gates so that one can get to the outside world and I had a miserable time trying to find them. After two frustrating failures at that I came back upset and grumpy. Later, Andrew showed me how to get outside and then walked (ok now, you don't get the significance of walking unless you've been here...no one walks here...it's a big deal, I'm totally serious these people don't know how to use their legs unless it's for driving) to a local park. It felt good to get outside and explore more of the area.

On a cute note, for the last couple of days I haven't wanted to go to sleep by myself, so I've taken to passing out on the bean bag chair in the living room while Andrew works on perfecting a new skill.

On a work note, I have 3 dates on Saturday with three different parents about tutoring. I'm glad to have the rest of this week to relax and get more settled in, but I'm also excited to meet these people...one of which was amazingly friendly and fun over the phone, I can't wait to meet her!

Ok, I think that is all for now...I hope you're all well!

Less than 24 hours away

Sat, 31 May 2003 04:19:10 GMT

This morning was the first time that I felt it. I woke up and felt a rumbling in my stomach, the type I get when I'm nervous about something...the trip cross country is really starting.

It definitely hit me that today was my last day in Boston as a resident. So, I got up and went about my day and the tummy rumbles went away.

I'm all packed and ready to go. Many good byes and cya laters said.

Somehow I had hoped that seeing my Dad today would have been more emotional. He was fairly dry over dinner and then we had a "nice glass tea" (an expression my great grandmother used to use) over chit chat. I'm going to miss him, but I'm also really excited for him to come out to San Diego and experience my new life style for himself.

In the morning I will go to breakfast with my Mother and then Hallie and Scott will pick me up to take me to the airport. I have no expectations of how I'll be in the morning. I'm sure I'll have the rumblies again, but feel good.

I am still in Boston mode though and I'm sure it will take me a couple of weeks to realize that I'm living in California...it even feels odd to write that.

But I am excited and I have much to look forward to once I arrive!

Good bye, one of many

Sat, 17 May 2003 13:21:28 GMT

Before I go into my post...I'm currently listening to Sting's "Fields of Gold" album. Every single time I listen to it I am brought to a melancholy place, somewhere touching deep to my heart strings...and I wonder, when I first got this cd what life was like. Generally when I get new music I exhaust it, playing it more times than I (or my family) would like to think about. I also tend to make personal associations with music that end up sticking. Now, I do know that Sting is a sentimental bastard, maybe it's something about the deep rich tones that underline his music, almost like a good ostenato...keeping the place of the music while other beauty is mixed over the top. I'm still prone to think that this cd used to remind me of something...what I have no idea. What I do remember though is that one song used to make great scene music to a video game that I played, but I'm sure that doesn't bring tears to my eyes...oh well I digress.

Last night I babysat the last time for Nat's family. I have known them for four years, the first year being extremely intense because I tutored Nat, their son with autism, which was always a challenge. At one point he had aggressive behaviors and attacked me, I don't think the mother can look at me without thinking about it. Her appreciation for my spending time with her sons is immence and it really showed last night.

She came home last night and immediately light tears started filling her eyes as she tried to say her goodbye to me. We embraced and I told her that I had learned so much from her about family. I wish I could have held her and said "it's ok, you've done great. Your family is still together with all that you've been through, and Nat is growing into a unique young man." Her torment is great. Her anguish over having three beautiful boys, one that will need guidance throughout and two others that are already beginning to live as individuals, away from the chaos that can be.

I feel for the youngest son right now, he's five years old and has long since surpassed Nat in his reasoning capabilities. It's hard for him, he does not understand having empathy for a brother who speaks in perseverations, who cannot answer his little boy questions, and who can never be a guide as the big brother. At this point he has taken to secluding himself a bit, going into a world of his own...and when asked what he is thinking about or if he'd like to talk, tears get in his eyes and he says, "I don't know." There is nothing more heart wrenching than trying to help a child who does not yet understand his own torn feelings.

And there is a middle child, he's very well developed, understands Nat very well. He shows the utmost empathy for his eldest brother. I also wonder about his inside, he's quiet and reads a lot. He's content to his head space.

And each day Nat gets bigger, he's turning into a man, you can see it in his muscle tone and in his face. On June 1 (the day after I arrive in San Diego) he will have his bar mitsvah. I've asked for a copy of the video, seeing him perform on this level will be amazing. He is a mystery, and I wish I could have done more for him, brought him away from autism and into the light of day...guiding him with a light hand and then his family would finally see him. I feel tormented just thinking about it, I can't imagine how the mother feels.

I hope when I meet families in California that I will have experiences as hard and moving as this one has been for me. Even if I can't cure with love, I can at least make a dent, albeit a small one...it's a start. A beautiful start.

*tears building * I am leaving in two weeks, let love cure me too.

Memories

Tue, 06 May 2003 05:12:21 GMT

Just a quick moment of cuteness...

So, for Mother's Day I'm making my mom a photo album (spanning from my birth up to now...even with some california pictures in it!). While going through numerous pictures I found my new LJ one!

Am I cute or what?! For some reason I am reminded of Cindy Loo Hoo, from the Grinch who stole Christmas, every time I look at that picture.

Moments of Sadness

Wed, 30 Apr 2003 04:48:01 GMT

For the evening I've had a headache. I've tried sleeping but can't...and when I close my eyes I keep thinking about my mom. *sniffles* I keep picturing the tears welling up in her eyes in the restaurant when I told her "late May" I'm leaving in late May. She expected my departure...but not until August. I hate to see her sad, I hate it. Growing up, my mother and I played reverse roles...and I still feel the pain of it today. And I keep going over in my head that once I'm out there I won't be able to help her like before. I feel like I'm leaving my mother to fend for herself and I'm afraid of what could happen without my influence and presence.

I know that I want to do this, I know that I will be happy with Andrew, but I worry about missing them too much. I feel torn right now, I'm getting very excited to go but I'm also feeling scared...I'm afraid of rocking gently in my new home and thinking "I want my mommy" and not being able to have her right away. Thank god for phone, internet, and Southwest.

I know that I will see them, on visits...it's just so different. I try to think about how in college I didn't see them a ton and it was ok, but knowing they were around the corner was a huge relief.

And tonight I feel alone, alone in my apartment, no one here with me to help dry the tears from my face, just facing my thoughts alone. Feeling closer to San Diego and further away from my present reality.

I think I can sleep now.

INFJ

Sat, 26 Apr 2003 07:35:30 GMT

Lately I've been thinking about where my personality types may be headed, I'm feeling shifts and I can't quite place them yet so I did a little research. One thing that moved me to do some more Myers Briggs soul searching was that Smileycynic emailed me a great question about the nature of my happiness and being a perceived INTP. My first thought was, "well maybe I'm not an INTP." So I've investigated a bit and have found that I think I'm fitting the INFJ mode right now.

My INFJ percentile preferences were not that strong (33, 11, 11, 33) so I read about the various types as well. After consuming data on competing types I've concluded that INFJ suits me most right now, especially when I also think that this type agrees with my enneagram One type to some extent.

http://www.typelogic.com/infj.html

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

~~~~~~~~~~

So, in taking all this in I wonder if having the FJ makes me feel more P at times since I can take in other perspectives easily and embody them in current thought. I've really felt less J lately...and maybe I am compared to my percentiles before, but I don't know what they were, oh well. I was always in towards the middle on the T/F scale so it's no big surprise to see a change there either...it's the remaining J that gets me! ;)

Making Changes

Tue, 22 Apr 2003 17:49:45 GMT

I finally did it! Soutwest had a sale offer that opened up this morning, so I immediately bought my ticket! My chosen date to fly out is Saturday, May 31...I'm get excited, it's only a few weeks away!

Yesterday I had a lovely Easter dinner with my mom and she opened up to me about her feelings about my move. She said that after Andrew and I left her on Saturday afternoon she had a good cry in her room :( I reassured her that I too would be upset when I leave and that I'm very used to having them near to me, so I'll be going through some changes as well. So far my parents have helped me out a lot with the planning. My mom will take most of my furniture, which is great since I won't have to go through the pains of selling it. My dad has talked to me about logistical things like cars and cell phones, always the pragmatist.

One thing that I'm upset about is that I would really like for both my parents (and maybe brother and sister) to accompany me to the airport. I remember (wow and I even get teary-eyed thinking about it) when my father and I dropped off my brother at college, it was very touching (even though I had only known my brother for a few years...long story) and I cried as he walked away from us to venture off into the pizza and booze of Clark University. But that day was very special to me...and I'd like to have the same with my family.

I spoke with my mom about the possibility of having both of them drop me off at the airport, and she bluntly said that it wouldn't be possible and that she couldn't stand my father for more than an hour or so. I'm a bit annoyed and definitely saddened by this, they used to be good friends a couple of years ago, they'd even go to the same camping sites together and everything! Now it's very different, they don't talk on the phone anymore and the most that I hear from them about the other one is how the latest court date went. I'm really hoping that my mom will have a change of heart and that my dad will be open to the possibility of having a family gathering.

California here I come!

Thu, 17 Apr 2003 03:09:58 GMT

This last week with Andrew went very well! Luckily he enjoyed our clamy New England weather compared to our blistering heat of last summer ;) I felt a bit guilty because I had to work much of the week, leaving him to explore Boston/Brookline by himself...he managed quite well though and seemed to find all the best restaurants, including Red Bones, Kashmir, and Anna's Taqueria. I'm going to have to find a way for someone to send us food from Red Bones express mail or something, it's just too good to live without! We also engaged in many good Talks this week mainly about our interaction style and how we will continue to build our relationship once living together.

I was very happy to have him meet up with my folks again. My father was his typical self, staying mainly removed from personal conversation and telling stories. My mother on the other hand opened up nicely in front of both of us, telling us about her relationship troubles and how her life is changing. She was even so brave to bring up my move, asking "so when are you moving to San Diego?" at which point I clammed up and had an "oh my god she asked" moment...we both talked to her about the move and she appeared very happy with the details. She got a little teary-eyed when I told her that I'd be leaving in late May, but recovered quickly...I'm sure there will be more tears between both of us as the date approaches.

Andrew and I attended the Ford Hall Forum where Leonard Peikoff dogmatically spoke for 2 and a half hours. It was great, we got to sit up in the balcony seats where no one else got to sit, and watched all the people below. Afterward we had dinner with many Bonites and much fun was had by all.

On Sunday we drove to Connecticut and stayed with Andrew's friend Kevin and his wife Esther for the night. They were very sweet and it was nice to see a couple who were similar to us...but with much more experience down the line. They also lived on a gorgeous property with a lake and woods behind their house...I could have stayed for much longer, but alas I had to return to the city life.

I drove back on my own on Monday afternoon. The drive was very peaceful and I had a sense of oneness with the other drivers on the road, it was really amazing, definitely a great first solo road trip experience. When I returned I directly met up with my father and told him the news about my move. He appeared emotionally uninvolved in the situation only asking me logistical questions. Later, from one of his friends, I heard that he was upset, although happy for me. I do look forward to seeing my parents emotional fluctuations as well as my own in the coming weeks...it will be an intense time.

Blue eyes turning towards green

Mon, 31 Mar 2003 00:45:53 GMT

I have a new favorite band to obsess over now, ColdPlay. The words and chords resonate with me immensely. I feel like I'm obsessed, I can't stop listening. It makes me miss my green eyes even more, I'm sad and lonely...but not for long.

I am moving in May to San Diego, and the time just won't slip fast enough today. I'm getting nervous cause my goal is to tell my parents this week about my plans and I'm really afraid of how they'll react. Unfortunately because they are at odds with one another I have to do two Talks instead of just one. I'm not afraid of them making me stay...because that can't happen. I am however afraid that they will make things very difficult for me and guilt trip me til I want to throw myself in a grave. I'm also afraid of watching them (more my mom) cry. I don't want them to hurt, I'm not moving because of them at all and I hope they don't take it like that. At the same time, I do feel sad leaving, it's definitely hard to think about not being able to call them up and see them whenever I want. The flip side being that I'll be extremely happy to start a new life and not be torn away from my love. Hopefully I'm just making a mountain out of a medium sized molehill...because they do know that months ago I applied to schools all over the US and that I interviewed in Cali...so hopefully they are prepared in some way.

Everyone is in love!

Mon, 03 Mar 2003 21:36:51 GMT

Happy announcements, you'd think spring had sprung (and boy do I wish it was spring...only 3 wks away though!)...although male testosterone levels are highest in fall, whatever...that's probably a more scientific post for neurogirl.

jtcarroll and hypatia360 are engaged to be married! I've always had a soft spot in my heart for engagement, it's just so sweet...two people coming together and making a promise to work even further towards the future of their bliss.

~I truly believe that love is all about truly understanding each other, and Lea and I do this better than any other couple I've known. That's why my love [with/for]her is the deepest, most fulfilling that I've ever felt, and why I know to a certainty that we'll be happy spending the rest of our lives together.~ ninjalawyer
This is very sweet to see one of my old boyfriends and a best friend, progressing so nicely down the long and winding road of loveship.

Hopefully the future will hold some exciting news of my own.

Resonate with Moi!

Wed, 26 Feb 2003 17:15:32 GMT

From an earlier post:

~As far as ability, I'm not always able to when given the opportunity, in person, in the moment. It's only in retrospect that I think to myself and understand how I should have said something to make it clearer.~

This resonates with me very much. Often I find disappointment in the fact that I did not say enough, only after the conversation has ended. Lately though, I've been more "impulsive" and saying whatever I am directly thinking in the moment. This seems to help my relationships grow, as I open up more and feel listened to on more difficult topics.

Often though, like yourself, I want people to read between the lines and make a non verbal connection with me. It's more personal because the connection is more discrete. I like to think that a person also analyses what I am not concrete about...and with those thoughts comes more personal and intense questioning.

~I often rely on the words of others expressing themselves when I find they represent me better than I've been able to articulate by that point in time.~

I think the best part of connecting with others is that you do get multiple perspectives to focus on. Eureka moments flash before you when new language is brought to the surface.

Showing resonance is a deeper way of understanding/connecting. Sometimes showing resonance is difficult because a person may be in a place where they are resistant to anyone who shares with them...they want to be alone. In my experience showing resonance has meant almost exagerating a claim, and placing emotional depth on the situation. We connect because we feel...maybe showing feeling/emotion is what makes showing resonance so hard, because we have to open ourselves up to deeper lines of shared connections and vunerability.

LJ Essentials

Tue, 25 Feb 2003 15:39:01 GMT

Perfectly said by choiceful:

"Gottman makes a big point about how empathy and support are more important to a healthy marriage than agreement and accuracy. Among other things, he advocates spending time with your partner, just listening to each other and giving support while suspending judgement.

It just dawned on me that this may be the most popular reason why people journal. They want to feel that there are benevolent people out there who value both them and what they have to say. Confirmation of this is not always necessary, but can be nice when someone posts a respectful, and especially an accurate, encouraging, and respectful response. Accurate, encouraging, respectful, and informative is the bomb :) Those whom do not get confirmation might daydream along the lines of having their journals some day discovered and renowned in a manner like the works of Jane Austen.

I am discovering that livejournal is most definitely a community. Many communities. And most are incredibly friendly. In this day and age of growing isolation, a new form of comfort is evolving."

You are all my benevolent lovelies!

Fear of Remembering/Bits and Pieces

Fri, 21 Feb 2003 20:57:16 GMT

Through reading others' posts I have come to think about remembering. Hard things. I love my parents so much that I don't want to attempt to ruin that by harnessing my past, digging at an old grave. *sigh* I feel cluttered in thought, mind's racing...maybe for a reason so that I can't grab hold of anything tangible, so that I cannot examine a past reality. Some would say that it's good, that I shouldn't do it, just go on, live. I'm left wondering though that maybe I would live better with knowledge, maybe I could change some of my being by petting her. And I feel like I'm not making sense and that hurts, as much as I want this all to be for me, I want you to understand it...and how could you if I'm not clear and clean.

In some ways I'm frustrated by my lack of awareness, building my own cloud to float away on. Other times I find it beautiful that I can create what it good for me without external forces.

Sometimes I feel alien. Like I'm talking in my own made up language and I can't translate it into English. Little bursts of phrases, links that do not go together, pictures in my head that I cannot describe. But it's my internal language, I just want to get it out so that I can touch it more...feel my words.

This post is making me tense, my right shoulder raises up to my neck and I hold my breath, caving into my center. I'm definitely becoming more aware of my body and how I can feel whole, instead of as segmented limbs. Maybe integration is the key, feeling the whole of my being instead of segmented parts, as one mind and body.

Maybe I would just feel better if they both would say, "I'm sorry." Get out a good cry and thoughts, let us acknowledge the history and start again...new fresh, open, ready to open. I fear that I will have to go on discovery without them, only memory to guide me...guide me, guide me. Penetrating words, phrases, thoughts/feelings has been a favorite thing of mine to do...it just feels really good, even feels good to say it. I like to linger and examine my present time, *slight smile* yes linger.

Where on earth did I come from!?

Fri, 14 Feb 2003 16:51:44 GMT

I was born to two horrible liars. Since the day I was born my mother has always lied to protect my feelings, and my father has lied...well on just about anything, especially about finances/lifestyle. And of course now they always point fingers at the other one saying what a huge liar they are...leaving me in the middle with my mouth zipped. They of course are amazing hypocrites always preaching the importance of honesty (if they were just liars, that wouldn't be so bad...I hate hypocrites). The personality style that I have fostered has taken honesty to the extreme, as I am probably the most honest person I know. I do tell lies every now and again (mainly white ones) to make life a bit easier, but none of those things will come back to haunt me.

Currently, my parents are going to court because of child support issues. It looks as though I might be asked to go in to make a statement or to write one. My father has been making a convincing argument to me that my mother has rarely used the child support money on me (she uses it more on my sister, because her hand is out, although not much of it that we can tell), especially in the last few years, and that in the process I have gotten screwed while her boyfriend gets to buy new motorcycles...blah. I really don't want to get in the middle of this because I feel that both of them are in the wrong, and I would basically be asked to go in through one side or the other (as far as I can tell).

Other then that, Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Birthday to Me

Tue, 11 Feb 2003 17:00:43 GMT

Happy Birthday to Me
Happy Birthday to Me
I'm now twenty-threee-eeee
Happy Birthday to Me

...to be continued

My Golden Globe

Mon, 20 Jan 2003 06:10:14 GMT

Whenever I watch award shows I connect best with those actors who are surprised by their achievement. Tonight I got a little choked up watching Meryl Streep and Jennifer Aniston...there facial expressions and actions reminded me of receiving an award of my own.

I sat in concert band my senior year, the proudest band geek ever, and waited for the results of my performance. I had gone into the Northeastern District Festival audition armed with my new professional clarinet and enough auditioning experience that I performed wonderfully.

Weeks later, the lucky few were announced...and I was one of them. I was shocked and happier than I had ever felt. My work had finally paid off...and that wasn't the end of it. I also received an All-State recommendation, which meant that the committee wanted me to compete against the top scoring district clarinet players in the state. What a surprise...not only was I good, I was really good.

Being at the festival was amazing, it was an intense three day session with other wondrous instrumentalists. I had never been around so many like minded students in my life. For days I did what I loved, played music with an enthusiastic, emotional, and amazing group of people.

I still listen to the tape of the concert. The pieces move me emotionally to this day, just like any other outstanding recording. The music was alive, we produced those complicated and moving feelings in each other while creating it the whole time. My heart still sinks when I recapture certain phrases of the music.

Deeply reflecting now, it's time to take out the clarinet again. I haven't played since my recital last May, I had felt a little stressed by my busy life and put it aside. Now, is the time to reconnect!

Observations

Tue, 14 Jan 2003 05:10:14 GMT

During my trip I kept a small notebook with me.

Providence, RI: 7am leave house. Eat breakfast with Mom at airport. Listening to St. Mattew Passion. Ducks, children follow behind man in roll neck sweater -- very cute. I had butterflies in my stomach as I approached the airport. Talking to military guy who surprises his family for Xmas. Wants to go rock climbing! On plane - sitting next to couple reading the paper and magazine. On the wing. Every second I am closer to love. Beautiful skies today. This is magic. Flight attendant sounds like a phone sex operator. Funny! "In the case your flight becomes a cruise...!" I still can't believe that I'm going. I wonder if I will always cry at take off. We are like angels. Jimmy Eats World. I would love it if people sang on airplanes instead of in flight movies. They should have in flight rock shows! Almost in Chicago.

Vanilla Sky Rant: That life is real and that it should feel that way all the time. Why is this great? I don't feel moody. Anxsty/deep. Do you feel that way often? Ouch. Not coming out how I want but. Do you worry that what you do everyday is not the most important thing you should be focusing on? I assume yes. I feel like I need more "experiment" time, -- time to make sure I've found my niche. Maybe my real life goal is to become the most amazing waitress ever. But at this point I'll never know. Everything seems so pushed toward big $ careers. Supposedly we're in this freeish society. How free can I be in the fear of poverty. It feels like living comes at such a cost that there is no time to live.

Day before departure: Email MOM flight InFo!

Departure Notes: Looking back over old notes. Every second I am closer to love...and I still am. We become closer each time. Bonding more and more. Getting closer to full time us-ness. Priorities: Fulfill my needs. Love is a powerful force that I should let take control. Much of my prioritizing has been set in fear. Life is discovering the magic. Taking away the goodness "see you soon" -A. I'm feeling: futuristic, heavy-hearted, caring, loving, discovery, quiet, making peace, communicative, brave, young, mystified, calm, sad, teary-eyed, optimistic, genuine, lonely-awaiting company, everything possible. I can still see: His eyes hold my face up with a quirky clear spot, bending over to kiss me while we play set, him arranging the sheets on the bed, him working to be so productive, anxiously putting up his dream, him holding my hand as we talked, me taking care of him (randomness: I love it, southwest announces the football game scores, crazy), us together, all the possibilities. Kansas looks like a beautiful city at night...but maybe that's all cities from a height. I must be sending off some love/flirty vibe. Boy (random steve) sits next to me to chat for 2.2 seconds. I order cran/apple. Steward says "is that what angels drink?" me "sometimes." Job options - possibilities (I've been struggling with my future, so I decided to make a list of all different careers...any other additions, no matter how weird or "not me," are very welcome): tutor, research assistant, psychometrist, cook, pet store, dancer, pit orchestras, babysitting, avon, private teacher (clarinet), substitute teacher, graduate student, coach on organization, phone sex operator, sewing, animal trainer, interior design, work inside a college, odd jobs, bakery, hotel, web design (ha!), cocktail waitress, personal motivator, catering, big sister program, mentor.

Fantabulous Vocabulary

Sun, 12 Jan 2003 00:25:16 GMT

Anthony Robbins has invaded my thoughts, here in San Diego. He has a fabulous chapter about the importance of the use of vocabulary to modify one's mood, in "Awaken the Giant Within."

~...by changing your habitual vocabulary - the words you consistently use to describe the emotions of your life - you can instantaneously change how you think, how you feel, and how you live.~

~...the words that we attach to our experience become our experience~

Every time I have returned from Andrewness relaying my experience to others is difficult. Some of it, I am sure, is word choice. I have a tendency to want to keep experiences private, so I either keep quiet, or use a diminished vocabulary so that questioning will cease to follow. I also feel that some of my emotional states are so upperwhelming that finding a voice for the moment is nearly impossible to express to someone outside the bliss.

Another aspect that I wonder about is if I am afraid to use grand emotional words with others. I do believe that I fear (and most likely an irrational fear at best) telling close friends my experiences and them thinking, "hmm, I guess ya had to be there." I really enjoy the feeling that others "get it" and that I can have a shared moment with them based on that connection. I like to see my conversation partner get excited, wanting to hear more leaning forward for my every word. Certain friends have pushed me to talk and I really should take that cue...use their availability and engage further because they want to be part of my drama/dreams/reality.

In the Now. I have felt voraciously alive on this trip, making amazing discoveries about myself and where I may want to guide my future...beginning to feel the pains of everyday life I cling to the hopes of something more, where I make life feel exuberantly real all the time. I am passionately loved and cared for...both taking care of each other exceptionally well. I am feeling a range of emotions, and I am energized to find that he accepts them...whether it is being loving and cuddly, venting in frustration, or crying for hours after watching an exceptional viewing of Vanilla Sky, I have been given his gift of empathy and love.

Tomorrow...I will venture back into the friendly skies. Back to Boston where all the possibilities can continue to float in my head, back to share my new gifts, back to miss my loved one.

And I would walk 3 Thousand Miles!

Fri, 27 Dec 2002 11:56:10 GMT

My Girl,

My mental processing exploded today.

MMMMMmmmmmm...

I mive you! It's suddenly easy to notice how I've {missed & craved}
you. I
can fully afford to feel it all now that you'll be in my arms in less
than
24 hours!!

My Goals For Trip:

Join&unite to share our bliss, letting myself feel truly loving, deeply
loved, profoundly happy/satisfied and successful

Use this intense comforting strength (the blissy ui!) to power project
completion: The Website

Build a solid, emotionally compelling model&foundation for totally
living
together!
includes patterning intense shared activities, and
separate-yet-together
activities like
writing&editing

I plan to totally obsess over my girl and all we can do together -- for
17
action-filled days&nights!

Love love love love love love,

A
</lj>